Explanations

Thank you, thank you so much for your words of support and prayer. I truly feel that I'm surrounded by love and caring. It makes all the difference.

I lay in the dark most of the night not sleeping, and putting things together. Perhaps you remember how I've had a stomach ache since my mother died? And how I've lost 20 pounds really easily without doing much differently? And how odd that I'm losing weight everywhere except my stomach.

Could be that I'm carrying around enormous cysts throughout my pelvis?

Anyway my feeling is, my true "gut" feeling is that it is a recurrance of the borderline cysts that I had, and not malignant cancer like Gilda Radner's. The first time I had this, on the other ovary, I grew one the size of a melon, and this time I think I outdid myself by growing a bigger one this time, probably because I have more room down there to accomodate it, since having babies.

OMG I'm so glad it didn't happen before I had my babies. They're the most important thing in the world to me.

Anyway today you can expect a lot of hemming and hawing and waiting for the phone call with the results of my blood test that looks for very invasive ovarian cancer.

I haven't called my father for obvious reasons, and won't until I know something more definite. I can't worry him after my mother's death. How could I do that to him? I'll call him after I know when surgery is scheduled and what we're looking at.

How can I distract myself today? I hope you all write huge dissertations on your blogs so I can spend all my time reading them. I'll go out to Target and try again with the snow clothes. Maybe invite Ep along for the ride, she's always up for a store run or two.

I wonder what the odds are of a year like mine? Actually, while I'm on this subject, let me tell you how I have a theory that my ovarian cysts happen in times of high stress in my life. Three times I've had them; the first time when I was traveling after living for a year in Denmark. It was so stressful to be there that I often forgot to breathe. My mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer at xmas time of that year and I was told not to come back home, that my year was too important and etc. By the fall after I got back I was in surgery for my melon-sized semi-cancer.

Next time it happened I was six weeks into my first year of grad school. The load was incredibly difficult. I had to read a book a day and attend classes too, and when I was getting ready for my first German test I felt something go PING inside me and wham, I was in incredible pain. I went to the hospital and was whisked into surgery because the surgeon thought I had some kind of intestinal blockage from my former surgery, four years before. So again, incredibly stressful time = ovarian cyst.

Now, of course, is one of the most stressful times I've ever experienced. My mother's death was only 3 months ago. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and my marriage is extremely rocky and has been for a year.

Manny is being incredibly supportive. I love him so much.

Time to wake everyone up. It's nice to try to explain things like this latest development, but no one knows for sure, and certainly I didnt choose this thing. It's just that it might be something that's not entirely out of the blue.

Comments

[blaize]

Here's hoping you're right, crossed fingers for you today Jo.

[maryrose]

Jo--

I don't have a read blog, and I don't know you, but I am thinking of you today. Please be ok!

Rose

[maryrose]

read=real btw. I need internal editing software.

Rose

[Heidi]

Good morning Jo! Seeing good news winging its way to you. And say, how do I sign up for a soup delivery from Savtadotty? I couldn't hear the whooshing sound in my speakers.

And I'm emailing you something fun.

[Liz]

Dearest Jo, here's hoping it is the big cyst fest.

And menopause? Tain't so bad, take it from me.

Big hug.

[e]

me, too, tain't nuthin' much. i'm thinking your own diagnosis is correct, too, and glad you came to it. i wasn't aware you read my blog, actually, but i put a long thing on there a few days back about reconnecting with my old art school family (in the long run, as you say, the only thing that counts) and what a joy that has been. i don't really have much of a chance to post there (and it seems i'd rather babble on yours :) but now that school's out for three (3!) weeks, maybe that will remedy itself. again and always: hang in there, jo!

[selena]

borderline cysts--where did I hear that word "borderline" before (:>))

[e]

yeah, you know, those borders, they can be impassable at times, wide and freeflowing, just can't get over, y'know. (make it so.)

[jersey girl]

eat chocolate all day. stick your head in the sand -- probably not possible, right? shop. watch movies. draw. draw and draw some more. drink a frappucino. feel my hug from nj.

[Marianne]

Bipolar is a serious diagnosis. Be sure to get the right treatment, which can take time and support. I was diagnosed last year and stress is a huge trigger for the illness. My prayers are with you.

[Jo]

Thanks Marianne, I have really good doctors and a course of treatment that's working well.