Here's what happened. Only three people know at this point, but this seems like a good way to tell friends and blogfamily and etc.
She thinks it might be ovarian cancer. The ultrasound showed cysts everywhere, all through my pelvis, in back of my uterus, and a mass somewhere in there that looked like a fetus at first but then she said "well, it doesn't have a heartbeat so it's something else" and she was all, well, this has to be before Christmas, I guess you're off the hook for cooking dinner that day. And sent me for a blood test which will determine if it is straight-up cancer. Or possibly they'll only know after the surgery because it might be a recurrance of the ovarian cancer I had before, the borderline cancer I told you about a few hundred posts ago (yesterday? the day before? who cares about anything at this point, my kids won't have a mother and my husband will have to raise them alone.)
What are the odds right after my mother died? How is this fucking fair at all, is what I want to know. Why me? Why is this happening to me?
-----
Tried to do the dishes and all I wanted to do was to dash them at the ground and grind them underfoot. Dishes! Who the fuck cares about fucking dishes! I might leave this earth and all that will be left will be my kids, my reason for being. Friends. They are what matter the most, and family, my father and my sister and my nieces, they matter more than anything else in the world. It's our connections that matter, let me tell you this from my perspective right now. All that matters. It's all, it's everything. Like the internet. A connected net of people who matter.
Fucking I hate this so much. I'll be in surgery before Christmas, before a week from monday I'll be going through menopause.
Won't pdoc be surprised that the meds will work... differently.
Your bright and shiny 'Monkey Army is here for you, Jo.
Posted by: Heidi | December 14, 2006 at 06:13 PM
Oh no. This isn't right. No one ever needs this, but I can't believe the timing for you. I don't know what to say. Fuck. I'm angry and sad and in shock.
Posted by: Keith | December 14, 2006 at 06:28 PM
Well shit. This year continues to be an absolute hell for you, unfuckingbelievable.
Posted by: blaize | December 14, 2006 at 06:32 PM
Good god, Jo. It's not right.
Posted by: Melanie | December 14, 2006 at 07:21 PM
might be. might be. breathe. might be. (might not be.) "Or possibly they'll only know after the surgery ..." breathe.
but anyway, not fair at all, no matter what.
Posted by: e | December 14, 2006 at 07:21 PM
On call 24-7. In all sincerity. And with love.
Posted by: squid | December 14, 2006 at 07:31 PM
crap. grrr. i'm so sorry.
Posted by: sparkle | December 14, 2006 at 09:31 PM
JO, I am so very sorry. I send my love and pray it is not what they think it is. I will be thinking of you.
Posted by: LaDee | December 14, 2006 at 11:06 PM
Jo,
My heart goes out to you.
Hang on and let's pray it is all cysts and nothing more.
I know you must be terrified
for yourself and your family.
I am here for you, whenever you need someone.
Sending loving thoughts your way~
Posted by: Melissa P. | December 14, 2006 at 11:46 PM
no no no no no no no
I'm not accepting this information very well.
Aw, fuck me. I'm an asshole. But, I'm a selfish asshole. I don't want anything else to happen to you. So, I just keep saying:
no no no no no no no
Love you big time, girl.
Posted by: GraceD | December 14, 2006 at 11:51 PM
Oh crap...
I fired up my aggregator for thee first time since my third (and last) surgery this year, and learn your latest news... and sometimes people ask me why I don't believe in God, or any higher being.
Jo, I'm so sorry to learn this - you, your family, and those who love you, have been through enough.
I don't know what I can do, from across the miles, except to say, this sucks, you are in my thoughts, and I believe that if anybody can beat this, *you* can.
Love, love and more love to you and yours.
Posted by: Koan | December 15, 2006 at 03:33 AM
I'm sending soup...it's that wooooshing sound coming out of your speakers. And banana bread, which doesn't make any sound until you crunch away at it. And good wishes, in great quantities.
Posted by: savtadotty | December 15, 2006 at 05:20 AM
hmmm. koan fires up her aggregator for the first time in months at the precise time her presence is needed in the roll call, and this reinforces her disbelief in god. hmmm:)
(hee hee hee, keiths said fuck. hee :)
come on army, snap to, hup, hup! up! mindful up, marching on with our leader.
Posted by: e | December 15, 2006 at 09:46 AM
i am just fucking pissed. fuck, shit, damn and triple fuck is what i say because i am so grown up. my thoughts and heart are with you in the biggest fucking way possible. Did i say fuck yet. or double fuck. love, hugs, and more love. I'm sorry. And i'll shut up now.
Posted by: calpal/jersey girl | December 15, 2006 at 09:52 AM
(personally, was gonna post one uncontexted sentence on another site that consisted of "crap crap crap crap crap." but then i figured it's the thought that counts...)
Posted by: e | December 15, 2006 at 09:55 AM
I'm continuing to send good thoughts your way. Keep us posted. Words are so inadequate.
Posted by: cynthia | December 15, 2006 at 10:30 AM
So so so sorry.
I will be sending good thoughts to you and your family.
so so so sorry.
ps this is another reason why the holidays suck
Posted by: Captain Blog | December 15, 2006 at 02:42 PM
All I can come up with is a cliche:
When it rains it pours. :(
Love you, Jo.
Posted by: Bobbi | December 15, 2006 at 07:53 PM
Shit. I'm sorry, Jo. I'm hoping for the best.
Posted by: Mary Tsao | December 15, 2006 at 09:49 PM
Universe! Fucking.... no fair on top of no fair.
I am going to kick the universe's ASS.
Aiiigh.
Well, look at the bright side...
JUST KIDDING.
Goddamn it.
Anything i can do. kids, bring food, do yer shopping, whatever dude.
Posted by: badgerbag | December 16, 2006 at 02:19 AM
THANK YOU SO MUCH I have to yell to thank all of you. It is so appreciated, the good wishes
Posted by: Jo | December 16, 2006 at 07:45 AM
Oh Jo,
I'm so very sorry to hear this latest AGGGGGGH S#*#*#*#*# in your life. You have walked such a hard road this year. Sending thoughts for hope and healing--and lots of love. In the words of Jules the minister, "Remember you are not alone."
Posted by: HMBalison | December 17, 2006 at 09:30 AM
I'm so sorry. What a raw fucking deal.
Posted by: Jenijen | December 18, 2006 at 10:01 AM
I will be thinking about you and your family. And I will be sending out the best healing energy I can. And, like the Quakers say, I will hold you in the light.
Posted by: | December 20, 2006 at 06:42 AM
Thank you all, so much. really.
Posted by: Jo | December 20, 2006 at 07:22 AM