Faking It

Thinking and thinking this morning.

Here's a list of bipolar or unipolar famous people.

Each morning I wake up and think, hmm! Feeling pretty good. WTF am I doing going to all this therapy? I have to remind myself that most people don't act the way I do. And that furthermore, bipolar symptoms are getting in the way of my being functional in life, besides being really annoying.

This morning, too, I was thinking about how I'm always "faking it" whenever I have interactions with most people. There are people with whom I can be genuine, but I've also learned that with everyone, there is a limit to how much I can truly reveal at the moment. I suppose this is true of most people? You don't just say whatever pops into your head. You edit and censor, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But sometimes the tension of what I am inside and what I need to be on the outside becomes like a pressure cooker.

I wish I could come up with a handy illustration of this particular personality trait, but let me assure you that it has resulted in my being much more comfortable alone, with friends who Understand, or at least hopped up on caffeine or alcohol so that I'm taken over by quite a different impulse than my propensity to nonsense. It's creative nonsense that might spew forth, but nevertheless it's not particularly pleasant all the time.

My sister has this problem as well and I'm only now connecting it to how I am, as well. She will say bizarre things and if you think ahead a couple of steps through the conversation, you (or at least I) can understand what she's trying to get at. It's usually funny, but often comes out from left field and she looks like she's completely nuts.

I've always valued having control. I want to be different from the rest of my family who seem to me to be hemmed in by their emotional pain, particularly when it comes to their relationships to each other. It's all tension, fear, and resentment when I go back to visit.

But put in the context of bipolar shit... it is starting to totally make sense. I can't tell you what it is like to have these revelations sweep through and explain all those lesions in my family. It's some combination of truly sad, but also the explanatory clarity is a huge relief.

I wish I could speak to them frankly. Perhaps I'll be sort of like the pioneer of innovation by being medicated? Or possibly it will make everything worse and I'll realize that this, this, the way I am now, is as good as it gets. That would suck.

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Iris? What happened to your site?!

Comments

[Stephanie]

"It's some combination of truly sad, but also the explanatory clarity is a huge relief.

I wish I could speak to them frankly. Perhaps I'll be sort of like the pioneer of innovation by being medicated?"

The explanatory clarity, I went through that with my initial diagnosis. Things started falling into place and I could hear the tumblers clicking into place as I started unlocking parts of myself.

I'm the only one on medication in my family. The ones that need it seem to think it's a situational thing and it will all blow over or that talking to their Episcopal priest will alleviate everything and make it better ... NOT!

Hang in there Jo (So cliche), it does get better and you will start to figure out what's important for you to worry about and what isn't. The isn't part goes directly into the WTFC (who the f*** cares) category.

[Iris]

I am actually hiding at the moment .. and it seems to have worked even though I did it myself amateurishly. Someone wrote something which might easily trigger people I know to find me by accident.

[minnie]

yes where are you Iris. i miss your site. can't you just delete the offending comment instead of the whole blog?

v. sad without you.

[badgerbag]

It's at stormsiri.blogspot.com...disguised!