Pathological Parenthood

I hadn't seen pdoc in a couple of weeks so I caught him up on the whole situation with my mother's memory, how she punished with her silences, stomping around crazy mad when I had no idea what she was mad at. How she called me "selfish" when I was just turning into a teenager. I said these are the things I"ve been dealing with with my psychologist.

He responded in an interesting way, to draw a parallel between those things she said that I internalized (i.e. that I"m selfish) and the way that I couldn't take my exams for my Ph.D. and it scuttled my career, all because I couldn't assert myself up against authority figures. I said that Ep had mentioned how my mother never taught me to be an adult.

Also he said I tend not to do anything fun, because I think I don't deserve it. "I blog," I said. "Why are you able to express yourself on your blog and not anywhere else?" he asked. I said I didn't know. I've thought about it a lot but I have no idea. Maybe the anonymity of it? The fact that people can just stop reading if they so desire? I don't know.

So anyway it was nice to see pdoc and not have him lecturing me the whole time about putting fun into my life. He brought it up but didn't have time to say much about it. "You are more comfortable with duty and responsibility," he said. "That's why you feel like things are good when your kids are with you."

I said I thought things were good with my kids around because I missed them otherwise.

Why is it that these male psychologists pathologize my wanting to be around my kids? I wonder if a woman would do that?

Comments

[Beth]

That is such a GREAT question! I think a female therapist wouldn't make the same observation. I feel better when my son is around because I always wanted to be a mom, so when he's around, I feel like I'm doing what I was born to do. When he's not here, I'm not sure what to do, but I'm working on it.

[Jo]

Yes, exactly.

[Ms. Jane]

If I might speak freely, I note that one of the things that you often do on your blog is flay yourself, and are forgiven by your many friends online. You've internalized the many criticisms that your mother gave you and need to state it and hear from others that it might not be true.

Feel free to delete this btw, you know I'm in my cups right now.

Anyhoos my darling, you're not perfect, as you're painfully aware, but please be nicer to yourself and not expect these miracles from yourself. Try making yourself happy. You so deserve it. You're an excellent friend, an amazing mother, and one of the brightest spots in my life.

[Jo]

I liked what we were talking about in the van tonight, about what would it look like to make ourselves happy. I really think there's a lot there behind that conversation.

[Jennifer]

Well, he might have meant it more like, "When your kids are with you, you feel a sense of purpose and know what to do, and you are kind of baffled as to what to do without them when you are free to do non-caretakery things." At least, that's how I interpreted it.

[selena]

Jennifer and Ms Jane, two very good comments IMO. Jo, a good question that got people to thinking.
Re your mom. I read in the book "Passages," a hot read in the 70s, that children are able to forgive their parents when the children themselves are about 50 years old. Forgiveness is easier when your own kids have gone through adolescence, I think. Not to say that your mom's behavior was healthy for you. The only thing now for you to do, though, is to forgive her, I think, and let go. Harder than it sounds.

[Jo]

I'm not entirely sure I"m ready to forgive, as I haven't really grieved what I went through. Maybe I won't forgive her. It was bad behavior and it screwed me up for certain parts of life, and I need to correct that now and it's not fair.

Yes Jennifer you're right, but he's also forgetting the positive side of having kids around for companionship and interest and just because they're mine.

[selena]

I can see why you're hot ready, since this is a new epiphany. But don't expect life to be fair.

[savtadotty]

Forgiving your mother is also a way of letting go of her. It sometimes takes a lifetime, sometimes longer.