Spanglemonkey

Dragging Myself

Trying to get myself to go over to the other computer and do some writing work. It's quite difficult to overcome my natural lethargy. Ugh. I wrote to a man on OkCupid and he immediately logged onto my profile and then didn't reply. Ah well. Just as well.

Life is never easy, is it?

A Hard Candy Shell, That Is

Crazy cat keeps peeing in the kitchen. At least it's on the linoleum and not on carpet. But still. Dodging puddles while making a sandwich is sort of disgusting.

Working at church was pretty fun this morning. People were hanging out and talking about their Fourth of Julys. Or rather Fourths of July, I suppose it should be. I got into a conversation about boats and had little to add, but learned a lot. The service was on the subject of "strangers" and how we should try hard to figure out our own prejudice and overcome it. 

I was thinking about how I make people uncomfortable sometimes with the silence that comes from me, but how if I accept that about myself it becomes something that's not necessarily a strength but at least is just a fact about me. I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not conversing with ease, when really what I want is some time to process what people say until I can say something in return. People have said to me I need to "come out of my shell" and that I "seem to be hiding something" or am "hard to read" and it always cuts deeply, those kind of remarks. But what if that's just me? Something I can accept about myself? What then? It would be nice to love myself despite my quirks. Maybe I need to learn something to say during the silence.

At the Library, I Hope

I'm really scared about my interview later this week about the internship. I mean, they're not paying me, so the stakes aren't as high as they might be, but still, they want to make sure I'm a "fit" for the job in terms of my interests and goals. So that means I have to state my interests and goals coherently.

What kind of questions do you think they'll ask? The job description has a split between two jobs, collection development and adult programming work. Both of them sound really interesting to me.

Kaboom, Crash

Here we are on the other side of July 4th, and luckily my neighborhood didn't actually blow up during the night. Sure was noisy though. Whew! We had a heck of a time getting to sleep. I'm not even sure when the girls finally went down because I managed to drift off around 11:30 and they were still talking.

I'm suffering low self-esteem and some degree of depression the last couple of days, what with the pictures of me that Ms Jane posted on FB and a general feeling of discomfort and despair with money. I'm trying to shake it off but failing somewhat. It'll be good to go to church and work during coffee hour, helping out with the set-up and clean-up. Some camaraderie, I do believe. Girlfriends are doin' it...

Maybe today I'll get some writing done in the afternoon. I have a block of time in which I'll be home and the girls will be with Manny. I was imagining making Ada's mother bipolar. Ha!

Loll Loll Loll

Lolling about indolently. I think I'll wander downstairs soon to drink some water and watch a movie on TV. I am feeling the aftereffects of all that wine.

Hot flashes today. Ugh.

Put Your Hands In the Air

Good afternoon! I'm finally home, and fed, and settled in. I had quite a good time at the party yesterday in my too-big party dress. Some select moments: Riding in the limo to the wineries and laughing and chatting. I chatted! It was good. Watching Ms Jane have fun with ten of her best girlfriends. She bought me a bottle of wine, generously.

We ended up at her house where a bbq was already taking place and we danced in the living room to Justin Timberlake. Thumpa thumpa. I haven't danced for a very long time and it was great to cut loose. We formed a dance line and danced up the middle in turns.

Then everyone left at a decent hour and Ms Jane and I watched TV and eventually drifted off to our respective beds for the night. I'm kind of hung over today in sort of a weak-kneed way. I have four or five hours until the kids are dropped off and I think I will spend them reading in bed and lounging horribly. I'm invited to two different potlucks but I can't be sociable any more. Maybe fireworks tonight? It's such a hassle to get there, is the problem. They shut down the streets leading to the port and you have to park and walk a long distance.

I Sparkle

I'm wearing a black dress with sparkles. Do you think it's too much for a daytime birthday party involving limosines? I have no idea what to wear. This is sort of a fancy nighttime dress, I suppose. Hmm.

Drove all over the place. Picked up Sophie from the sleepover, and then went to Ep's house to feed the cats. They're like locusts, I swear. Any time I go over they've eaten all the food, even if it's just a little while into the day.

I'll talk to you tomorrow. Have a good day.

Whisked

Oh man! I left the oven on all night. Grr. My kitchen is hot.

I can't wait for today! I'm all excited. I'm going to Ms Jane's house around noon, and we'll be whisked off to a winery and then returned for a potluck. I have to remember to bring my salad and wine. Then I'll spend the night at her house and stumble back over the bridge in the morning. Woo!

Also have to remember to leave a check for the babysitter. She's expensive, but I think it's worth it.

In the middle of the night I got a call from Sophie. She feels sick when she's overtired, just like I do. Not good at staying up late. But I managed to get her to consider staying, and not making me make the drive up the hill on a windey dark road in the middle of the night.

Psyched

The internship woman wants to meet with me! I wonder, though, if I'm qualified. I haven't taken cataloging yet and it is required for this internship. I'm taking it in the fall, however, so maybe I could perform the internship in the spring.

But anyway, hooray. It's a lead.

Watching the history channel nonstop with my older daughter who loves that kind of stuff. Right now it's Lincoln's grave robbers.

I am a Silent Person, But Happy

I've seemed to have lost the will to blog today. It's weird, the more evened out my moods and the better I feel, the less I want to blog. I guess it's just that I have little to say.

Today in group we did a "mindfulness exercise" in which she rang a bell, letting the sound dwindle away completely between rings, and we were supposed to concentrate on the sound to the exclusion of everything else except breathing. I found it difficult to concentrate like that, and my mind went all over the place, thinking about the letter from the lawyer yesterday initiating divorce proceedings, thinking about what I have to do today in terms of errands and tasks, about the new guy in group, etc. I'm getting better at simply letting those thoughts come and go, though. I'm not all up and anxious at the moment. It's kind of nice.

I didn't really talk today in group. I wonder if that counts as obstructing therapy? I dunno. I just had nothing to say. It's like blogging right now. Blank, for the most part. I thought about saying something about how important it is to want to be happy, the wanting being crucial to being that way. Sometimes I think it's easier to hold onto dark feelings than to replace them with the light.

Stable and Able

Played for a little while in FB, putting things in my house in Yoville. Pretty soon FB will take over reality completely.

This morning I'm going to my group for a couple of hours, and then we'll go out looking for a present for Sophie's friend Sara, who is having a slumber party tonight. No sleep for Sophie! I'm glad she's been sleeping in the last week or so and has banked a lot already.

Almost finished reading the memoir Jameson wrote about her manic depression. She certainly seemed to have worse episodes of mania than I've had. But she seems to have the same relationship with lithium whereby she knows she should be on it but chafes at it and goes off every now and then. I haven't been off it in a while, but when I did I didn't like the results. Stability is boring but it's a good thing. Makes me better at what I do, going to school and taking care of kids, being a friend.

Wilding

Eliz is back from babysitting and the girls are wild, giggling, wrestling, loud in the living room. I had to leave because I just couldn't take it. I was hoping we could watch the last two Buffy episodes, but apparently this is not the time. How irritating. The perils of being with children 24/7.

What's for dinner? Is it a cereal kind of night?

Displaced

Sophie and I walked over to the house to pick up our bicycles, and whose car should be in the driveway but the GF's. I made eye contact and said hello, and made sure she said it back. She said she was waiting for the roofers. I'm wondering, why her? Isn't it half my house?

But whatever, it's nice not to be languishing in an empty house waiting for service personnel. I won't complain about that.

Came home to a letter from my lawyer saying she's been paid and now we can get started on the divorce. Feeling a bit shitty about that. Not that it hasn't been expected and totally necessary. It's just that every step of this process is painful.

But that's okay, I'm doing pretty well anyway. Moods are stable.

Booksy

So far there's no word from the internship woman. It would be so convenient to do it in Deadwood! OMG. I'm not counting on it. But wow.

It's nicely overcast this morning, which I welcome with open arms after the heat this weekend. Today should be cool and delicious.

I think today we'll go bowling with Jak up in San Mateo. I need to figure out how to print out the bowling certificates we have and then boom, bowling. Possibly we'll go to the library as well, because both Eliz and I are running out of books. She's going through them like water. I'm going through them more slowly but still fast enough that my collection is not keeping up. Any suggestions for the next book? I might read Kay Redfield Jameson again just for kicks.

Deadwood Public

I looked through all 344 of the internships available at the library school, and happened upon one in the Deadwood Public Library! I've written to the contact person and I'm feeling hopeful. If I get the internship I'll take two classes and one internship class. It would be great! I'm in motion and feeling good.

I finished my book. Onward to the next.

Humming Along

I was right: pdoc was casting around for topics. He was pleased that I'm doing well and said "So, you're letting yourself enjoy things?" Like I hadn't been "letting" myself before. 

But that was nice. We conversed for a time and then I said I wanted to see him every two weeks, and he was fine with that.

We're off to the mall, to buy Ms Jane's birthday present and eat chicken bowls. Yay!

Water Flows Quickly

Oh boy am I disoriented this morning. I woke up at 7 long enough to stumble to the bathroom, and then slept until 9. Zonked out completely. I'm stretching and yawning and nothing is making reality any clearer. Thought I'd try the morning blogging to see if that lends some clarity.

Today I have a bunch of errands to run and possibly I'll take the girls bowling. We'll invite Jak. Or maybe I'll do that tomorrow when there are no plans whatsoever.

Also I see pdoc. For no good reason, really. I am doing quite well and feel stable. What do we have to talk about? He'll probably lecture me on being more sociable, just when I'm coming off the most sociable week ever.

Remind me to write back to my mother in law. She's trying to set dates for the kids to go out there. I've invited my father to come out during that time and possibly we'll drive to Santa Barbara to stay with my cousin on the beach. Last time I was there I was pregnant with Eliz, it's been that long. The time certainly has flown by. I think the last time I saw my cousin my mother was sick? Or did she come to the funeral? I can't remember. Three years of water under the bridge.

A Teenager Among Us

I talked Eliz into going to the pool with Sophie and me, and totally regretted it. She stood in the water and complained for a good 15 minutes about how she didn't want to be there, how it sucked, how we sucked, etc on and on. Save us! Meanwhile Sophie and I did a little frolicking and floating in the beautiful water in the perfect weather.

Anyway, tonight we'll have fun eating out with Reena and Jak, so that'll fix us up.

The Sorry State of the Floor Around Here

Spending some time cleaning the floor of the kitchen, which was dreadful and shameful in the extreme. Everything is piney now and it's not as gritty underfoot. I got Songs About Buildings and Food from the library, an album I haven't heard for probably 15 years or more. Sophie's making cornbread. She doesn't like the music and has let me know. But what a privilege to listen to old Talking Heads!

I'm taking care of a lot of things this morning. The vacuum has languished at the top of the stairs for a week, waiting for the moment when I made up my mind to use it on the landing, and I finally got around to it. I'm imagining the babysitter coming on Friday and being shocked, shocked! At how we live, at the giant dustcats in the corners and the strange sticky stuff dispersed around the floor.

We'll go to Burgist Pool later on today. Yay.

Activity

Wow, my legs are totally sore this morning from trucking up and down hills near the Castro, and probably from standing for a solid 4 hours watching the parade. When we used the bathroom in the Nordstrom's it was very nice to just sit for a time.

So what are we going to do with our day? We have nothing planned until this evening, when we go out with Reena and Jak. It's going to be in the 90s again today, so maybe we'll go to the pool or something.

Drums a Thumpin

What a happy parade that was! Even the leather people were walking with huge grins on their faces. And it wasn't too hot and not too cold. We met up with some friends of Sophie's and ended up in this apartment near the Castro, collapsed on a couch after the walk over from the Civic Center.

I fed Ep's cats and now I"m ready for a nice time in front of the TV. Ahh.