Spanglemonkey

Interim

I like the interim minister a lot. She's hearty and sensitive and tells a good story. Today's service was dedicated to the elders of the community and I thought she did a good job, particularly talking about P. who recently died and was a pillar of the community.

Afterwards I went to a meeting about the silent auction, but I didn't contribute to it. I am just helping out and I don't want to step in and be the chair of anything.

Time to work on my paper for a bit, followed by a trip back to Safeway to the pharmacy. I hope it doesn't take longer than an hour this time. That sucked.

Terribly Forward

I just "winked" at two men on okstupid. How forward of me! I'm feeling a bit of bravado this morning so I thought I'd give it a try. Maybe I'll go on another date. It's been over a year and it might be worthwhile. I don't know if I'll ever lose those 20 pounds I wanted to lose before going on a date. So why not try?

Surely there's someone out there for me. It might be the zoloft talking but whatever, I feel more confident than usual.

Time to shower. Or should I try to make it over to the Y this morning? Maybe just 20 minutes on the ol' beast.

Generosity and Xmas Cheer

Had a good time last night. Ep and Clyde and I went to dinner at the Thai place downtown and then hove onward to the foncy bar. Things were sort of deserted, which was strange for a Saturday night. I suppose the people who would have gone out burned themselves out with the rest of the holiday weekend. Ep and Clyde picked up the check and for that I'm very grateful.

Today's Sunday, right? I'm losing track. I'll go to church this morning and then spend the rest of the afternoon writing that paper that so vexes me. I have such a bad case of senioritis. There's nothing else for me to do, but I'd rather not do that.

Talked to Sophie yesterday, who was complaining about the new clothes Grandma wanted to buy for her. Geez kid, take the free clothes already.

Also yesterday I watched my way through an hourlong Rick Steves special about European christmases, and it made me totally nostalgic and I wanted to bake endless cookies. I need to work on my linoleum blocks today so that I can have something to give all my friends. I wasn't going to get a tree but now I kind of want to.

A Crowd, and Time

IKEA wasn't so bad because I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it. It was totally crowded but as a single human being I was able to dodge and bolt through traffic. Then I almost got creamed by a car cutting me off in its wild bid for the freeway. Yikes!

Ep and I were going to go to Pirate Radio, except that I saw it on my own with C. and his mother. Instead we'll go out and paint the town red. What to wear! Possibly my new blouse with the glitter and glam.

Back to writing my paper. Or possibly I'll put those shelves together. I feel cocky, like I'll for sure be able to write it tomorrow afternoon. Or Monday afternoon. I've got lots of time on my hands, after all.

Trudge Trudge

It was a nice day to trudge a couple of miles down to Michael's and to the Japanese restaurant. I listened to my iPod and felt my brain slowly drain. If I think too hard I get really tense, being alone for the entire long weekend and worrying about the house and all. So it's a good thing to walk and let the ol' brain slip.

I will work on my paper for a little while and then wander out to do battle with IKEA. Possibly I should wait on that errand? It is a weekend, after all, and the entire ex-patriot population of Bangalore will be in the store. But I really want to get started making those shelves and populating them with Eliz' stuff.

I have only spoken to my cats and to the waitress at the Japanese restaurant today, where I said thank you about a dozen times, since she was thanking me, after all. But tonight I'm going out with Ep and Clyde and really looking forward to it.

Disruption and Mayhem

I've written the introduction to my paper, which reads like a manifesto on the responsibility of public libraries to address the needs of the poor and homeless. Basic human rights are at stake. It gets to the core of why I would want to work for a public library in the first place, to serve society and to help those who are the most vulnerable. Of course the other part of me wants desperately to work in a college library and to hang out with the liberal elite. But for today, I'm raising my fist in the air for the poor.

Thinking a lot today about the job market and about my plan to apply all over the Bay Area. How it would disrupt my children's lives completely, and that's something not to be taken lightly. If I got a job in the East Bay, for instance, where would they go to high school? And how would I find out how to navigate those waters?

Burn that bridge when I come to it, I guess. I can imagine them being quite bereft if they have to leave Deadwood, though. Their entire lives have been spent in Deadwood.

Time to shower and get out a bit. Maybe I'll go to IKEA for lunch. On a Saturday? Hmm. Maybe the Japanese joint by Michael's. Or eat a grilled cheese here at home and call it lunch. That would be better. I have to watch myself now that I have some money, not to spend it all eating out.

The Poor

I think I'll go to IKEA today and get those shelves I've been meaning to get for two years, for Eliz and Sophie's room. There is a lot of stuff on the floor, particularly books in their closet, and I'd like to get the room shipshape. Eliz herself was sort of resistant to the idea, saying "Who is ever going to come up here?" and I grunted out "We are," and truly, it's nice to be able to see the floor.

I dreamed I had moved to a different house and a lot of the kids' toys came with me. In actuality I don't really have much of that stuff, not having moved it from Manny's house in the first place.

Also I need a better knife for my linoleum block project. The "safety knife" I got is weak and ineffectual. Maybe at Michael's?

And, of course, writing my paper. I have lots of information on the reasons why we should pay attention to the poor in the public library, on an ethical level, and then a lot of information on how to go about paying that attention. It'll be a pretty good paper, I hope.

Project

I'm ready to try my hand at my first carving of the linoleum block. I have an image I want to transfer onto the block and then I'll carve out the areas outside those lines. Shadows and light.

Meanwhile I read all the articles I'd pulled about poverty and the public library.

I haven't said more than 20 words today but I feel pretty good anyway.

Cats

I went to Palo Alto and had lunch at the Thai restaurant, where there were other tables for one so I didn't feel like I stuck out too much. Not that I really care. I eat alone at restaurants all the time. Then I went to the art supply store and bought three small linoleum blocks, ink, a breyer and a blade to cut the block. I'm trying to think of images that I think would be interesting in a small picture.

I fed Ep's cats who were swarming around the kitchen en furry masse. They're cute cats. I love cats. I think I'll never be a dog person. Though it might be fun at some point in my life to get a dog. I can't imagine when that time would be. When I retire? At this rate, without having worked for most of my adult life, my retirement seems rather far off.

Shall I write my paper, or spend some time coming up with images? Hmm..

Work Cut Out

Worked off some steam and some pumpkin pie over at the Y. I feel stinky and good. I've got a long weekend ahead of me but I can handle it, I think. I'm planning to go to the art supply store in Palo Alto today to pick up supplies to make wood block prints. First I have to figure out what images to put on the blocks. Then I will cut them out, carefully (I've cut myself pretty badly before) and then print them on nice paper.

Also: writing my paper.

Also on the agenda: going to Ep's house to feed the cats. Putting my loan check in the bank. Yay, rent.

Relatives have arrived next door and I hear conversation and laughter. A child. I like the new neighbors. They seem to be Russian or Ukranian or something.

Divine Love

I had a truly lovely time last night over in the East Bay with my old buddies from high school and their sig others. I arrived first which was a bit awkward but it was okay when Ms Jane came soon after with her new squeeze. Then I drove to pick up Yach and his daughter and the full complement arrived soon after. We feasted on delicious food and then played celebrity, which is a sort of charades only you can talk. I got stuck on "Divine" first thing. For some reason my mind was not telling me any way to describe the word except "Do you accept the ____ of christ?" Not fruitful. I could feel the slowness of the medicated mind.

So this morning I think I'll wander over to the Y for a while, and then today I'm determined to write the paper I need to write. I'll write it on the poor, a "forgotten demographic." Or something to that effect.

Actually doing pretty well with the aloneness. It feels temporary, so that makes it okay.

Saw a homeless man walking up and down the same stretch of sidewalk every time I passed, and I passed three times because I went back and forth to the store and then gassed up my car. He was pacing the two or so blocks. My heart went out to him but what could I do? He didn't even make eye contact.

Squeaky

You'll be pleased to know that my kitchen floor is clean, as well as the area under the cat box. Yeah man.

I think I'll spend some quality time sending out manuscript packets.

Out and About

I walked out the door into a very busy neighborhood. Everyone seems to be out at once, walking with the kids, talking, going to the store. I was surprised. I think everyone is glad to have a day off.

I stopped at the noodle joint, where they were replenishing the oranges on the Buddhist shrine. Several people came out from the kitchen to watch me eat. It reminded me of a certain Christmas I spent in France with my sister, when we ate dinner at a Chinese restaurant and the entire kitchen staff came out to stand in a line and watch us eat. I still don't know why it was such a spectacle. The only thing I knew to order on the menu in French was an egg. Maybe that's why.

I went on to Safeway, where I picked up some carrots and celery for the dip I'm going to make.

I'm trying really hard not to feel deprived today. Next year I'll invite Ep and family to our own Thanksgiving, so it'll be better than this year, when I had to invite myself over to someone else's house. But really, I'm blessed. I have health, I have friends, I have a healthy father and sister's family, I have my girls. Sky's the limit.

School on T Day

I'm watching the parade. It's delayed by the network showing all kinds of musical numbers from Broadway shows. It's amazing what people can do with their bodies.

Later on this morning I'll walk down to Safeway and pick up some veggies for the dip I'm going to make. Maybe have lunch at the noodle place on the way. Now that I'm wealthy beyond measure.

Really, I need to be working on my paper that's due next week. Sigh.

What I think I'll write about is library services to the poor, and what ethical dilemmas are present when tailoring services to the poor. I've found a lot of articles and I wish I could find some Berman to use. He's an advocate for underserved groups at the library.

Happy T

I don't know what to do with myself today. I am invited for dinner over in Oakland, but until then? I guess I'll clean. The house is sort of a disaster so it might be just the time for that kind of activity.

My loan check came! All is well again! I can pay rent and buy gas and food. I can pay pdoc. Wow.

Another thing I might do today is to look at Ada, the manuscript. Also get some memoir manuscripts ready to go in the mail.

I had a nice time yesterday visiting C. in marin. We hung out on his mother's deck for quite some time, where the city glistened in the distance over the water. It's such an astounding view. He repotted plants and we talked about dating, the world, our lives. Then we went to a movie and out to dinner with his mother, who told me to get a real estate lawyer asap.

One good thing was how she was saying it's no stigma to face foreclosure right now. People with large and small houses are facing it. I still feel like something of a loser but I see her point.

Last Things

I spoke to an old friend of mine from high school and college days who has been in real estate for a couple of decades and knows what he's talking about, and he said he wasn't worried about what kind of person wants to put an offer on the house; what the worry is is what liability I'll end up with after the dust settles, in terms of taxes and what might be left over from the short sale. This makes my real estate agent crucial in these proceedings. Luckily I like my agent and I believe she'll do well.

So that's something. I hope the offer comes through, and that it solves the problem.

Today the girls leave for Chicago. I'm not looking forward to many days by myself but there you go, it's just the reality of things. I have plans for many of the days but not all.

Also today: the last day of my internship. Farewell, working life.

I Don't Know

I don't know if it's a scam or not, but the man from the real estate company said he's going to get an offer together asap. I think maybe we should consult with a real estate lawyer. Another added cost, but it's something that I think we should do. I've been looking around on the net for any kind of scam that resembles this and can't find anything. I think he's just a flipper of houses and has a company that does flips.

And maybe this is a good thing. I'm very tentatively optimistic.

Meanwhile, Eliz did quite well with her audition and is feeling good about herself. Yay.

What I Can

I haven't exercised for a really long time, so when I went and did my half hour on the elliptical this morning it took a very, very long time for the time to pass. But I did it. Yay me.

Going to coffee with Ep. Then I have a pdoc appointment wherein he'll try to talk me out of being so emotional right now. Or maybe not. Who knows. He'll no doubt make the point that I have very little control over what's happening to me and I'm doing what I can: applying for jobs, tracking down leads on the house sale, exercising and sleeping.

Progress?

Now that the link to our house is out there in the ether being passed around by the network that my friend knows, I am getting some responses back. Someone who buys houses that are in danger of foreclosure. Someone who is a real estate agent who might be able to help us avoid foreclosure. It's kind and feels good. I have to call the guy who buys houses today. Who knows? Could be a positive thing.

Time to get ready for the morning. The house is trashed for some reason, after the weekend with the girls. But right now it's time to wake them up and roust them out of bed.

Car News

Good news on the car front: Manny's mother might sell me her Camry, and my father is interested in contributing to it and driving it back from Indiana for me as well. OMG my dad is great. It would be wonderful not to have to repair my car every few months for thousands of dollars. Camrys are good cars.

I talked haltingly to him about our financial situation and felt a little better about it. Life will continue though things seems like they are falling off a large cliff. Really, it's not the end of the world.

Formidable Indeed

At my internship this morning I put in the order for adult books on CD. It was pretty entertaining going through the titles and figuring out how much to order of each one. I was surprised at how many Stephen King titles there are. Wow. The man is formidable.

I'm waiting around for the kids to be ready to be picked up after their tryouts for the musical in the spring. This time around I know better than to volunteer to do the refreshment sales. I've pretty much had it with that. But I'll have two kids in the production so I'll have to volunteer for something big. Sigh.

What to do with the next hour? It's not quite enough time to get anything done.

Thanks for your kind comments. I am not feeling too bad, all things considered. It does feel like a major crisis, I must say. It's not trivial.

Generous Community

I wish I knew how to use Excel better. I can't seem to put the books in order of dewey number. It only operates on the few numbers nearby, and doesn't order the rest of the information along with it. Fail. Do I have to highlight the entire list to get it to work? It's a mystery!

A friend of mine at church kindly sent out the listing for my house, and I immediately got an email that someone had questions about the house and would like me to call. I did, and got no answer, but it was something. Then someone else offered to loan me money short term. It's a kind and generous community. Unfortunately the listing says it is a short sale and that seems to drive everyone away. Desperation is not pretty.

I wonder how long we can stave off the wolves.

Roil and Boil

The ongoing crisis has me breathless and constantly anxious. I've got to take it down a notch if I'm going to be any use to the situation. But if the worst thing happens, I'll still be all right. I will have to live with bad credit but I'll figure that out, I guess. I'm also very angry but I have nowhere to put that particular emotion. That's what it is, just emotions floating around restlessly.

Anyway. You don't need to hear about that, you've no doubt experienced it yourself. I don't believe that everything needs to be bright and sunshiny all the time, but truly, plumbing negative emotions just leads to more negativity. Telling the truth is important, but also there is a limit.

Today after my internship I'm going to send out my ms to agents. Maybe I can sell it. I've gotten over the initial reluctance to see my words out there in print. Now I just need to have something to show for my work.

Time to wakey the girls. They don't know what kind of situation we're in and I think it'll stay that way until something happens. 

Spiral

One thing I've been thinking about is the symbol of the spiral, which is very significant to me. When I was suffering under a bipolar attack of depression and general cognitive dysfunction I used it in my art as a symbol of where I was - spiraling, spinning, going around in circles. But lately I've thought of it as something of a labyrinth, wherein you appear to be going in circles but actually find yourself traveling. It is a symbol of life itself, the way you don't progress as you think you might, but progress you do, nevertheless, because of the passage of time and the unfolding.

What I Have

Manny is coming over soon to talk about the cat. He thought the girls needed a little more time to vent on the subject. I'm not entirely sure why, because the issue seems to be resolved. But whatever, I'm up for a family talk, sure.

After services today there was an hour-long meeting wherein we talked about gratitude. I brought up the hardships in my life right now and said "But I'm grateful for what I have - wonderful friends and family, my two daughters, my father's health."

I meant it, too. I'm in a hard place but I have a feeling it's going to be all right in the end, however it takes place. At least the house has been shown three times this weekend. Things are picking up slightly in the market. Please pray if you're the praying kind. Or send good energy. Or make a toast to me from whatever drink you have at hand.