Spanglemonkey

The Sick Demographic

Oh I dunno, I'm debating whether or not to go to HMB for the spanish story hour. It's a long way away and it's not even what I'm looking for, which is a bilingual story hour. But that paper I have to write awaits today and I would really like to have some notes from a visit. So I suppose I'll go. I can always talk to the librarian and see what he has to say. It's kind of awkward because I don't speak a word of Spanish myself, so it's not like I'm gunning to become a children's librarian who runs bilingual story hour. It's just that I need a paper topic and spanish speakers are a large demographic.

Manny called me this morning all confused about what to do with Sophie today, since she's sick. The grandparents are in town and they probably want to do some kind of activity with her (wouldn't it be nice if they went clothes shopping? Not going to happen unfortunately) but she's still abed with a fever. Maybe she'll stay home with me today.

Dicey Items

Lots of fun and bonhomie last night when we met Ep and Ep's husband Clyde at the new pub in town. We watched him eat haggas on a stick and drink beer with unusual names. We ate charcuterie that tasted like ducky butter, kind of rank if you ask me. I'm not too into the gamey stuff. Then I got a text message from Manny saying he was waiting at my house with the girls. I managed to text back that I was coming, and wow, it was already 10:30 at night. Go figure!

Now I'm biding my time, wishing I were still asleep. I don't know why but I got a terrible night's sleep. I kept waking up and fretting and turning over. It means I'll have plenty of time to get ready to drive to Spanish story hour in HMB. I won't understand a thing that's said, but I would like to talk to the guy. He claimed he sent me an email but I never got it. He really wanted me to go to a story hour next wednesday, but the paper is due on Tuesday so that won't work. I could get an extension but then it runs into the paper due after that one.

Still kind of bugging me that my therapist suggested I go to a food bank. I think it's a class issue. I still think of myself as rather middle class and that's something that the poor does, and in fact I'm working at a food bank next Wednesday with the Unitarians. But maybe I jumped the class line. Could be. As it stands I have 16 dollars in my wallet, ten of which I pilfered from one of the girls' halloween cards. It's all I've had all week and I've been living off credit since my checking account is empty. Last night was a little hairy because I didn't know how I would pay my part for all the food that kept coming, but luckily Clyde sneakily and generously gave his credit card to the waitress.

Money makes me want to cry. I also feel a deep shame about it, wishing I'd made different choices along the line. I was talking with pdoc about my choices and he said, "When would you have done anything differently?" And I spoke about the years when I was totally freaking out with bipolar. Maybe if I'd been able to get a job then, I'd be more solvent now and could help keep the house out of foreclosure. "But that's when you had the foresight to start library school," he said. Yes, that's true. "And you had an illness." Yes, also true.

I applied for a part-time job doing data entry and I"m hoping it comes through. It would help defray some things, for sure. And soon my student loan will come and birds will sing and flowers will grow.

Food

Doing some editing. I need to do the take-home exam from my cataloging class but I'm putting it off because it's so irritating. I have to show what I'd put on a card catalog for a certain book. We're given the information and have to put it in order. Ack. It's very specific and circumscribed and there are painstaking rules to be followed that are found on the very extensive website.

Sophie is lying in bed watching movies, all blissed out. I give her tylenol and her fever comes down, and when it wears off her fever is back. Can't seem to just knock it out.

Went to see my therapist where I was tightly wound and tense. Ah well. She's no doubt seen it all. She suggested I go to a food bank for groceries and I was somewhat offended. Someone else might need that food, I said. Oy.

Rejection, Ho!

One rejection letter, check! One to go. I am not sure how to do this. But I'm doing my best, so yeah. Maybe I should find out who Marya Hornbacher's agent is somehow.

It was not easy driving this morning. It took me almost 30 minutes round trip to do a ride that should take about 15. I'm really glad I don't usually do that trip in the morning. I think I got the good end of the deal doing the afternoon driving.

The first two chapters are 63 pages total. Possibly I should break it up a bit more? Yes.

If I don't hear back from the children's librarian in HMB I think I'll have to make up my experience. I can certainly imagine what it would be like to be at a bilingual storytime.

Busy in the ol' Email

I probably overwhelmed the bilingual librarian at HMB with questions, but I'm hoping he writes back soon anyway. I mean, if I were that librarian I'd be kind of excited about questions like mine. But I'm kind of a raving intellectual when it comes to work. Also I've written to two agents and I am waiting to hear back. It's exciting, it is.

This morning I'm driving the kids to school for once because Jules is shadowing at castlemont. It's a hotsy totsy school in Paly for girls where 100% of the students end up at a four-year college. I wish I had the energy to make something like that happen for Eliz, but truly I don't. I don't want to drive there every day, I don't want to go through the process of applying for a scholarship and even for admission. I just don't have the strength. Besides, I believe in our local school. I've heard good things. So my laziness wins.

Poor Sophie had a fever last night so I"m keeping her home no matter how she feels this morning, following the directions about putting at least a day between school and fever. But tonight her grandparents are coming, and I'm going out. They might need to just hang out here or at Manny's house. I'll vacuum today just in case.

This morning I"m seeing my therapist. It's been almost three weeks. I'll tell her all about my case of nerves. Yuuug.

Debtor

Well, I went and did it, I signed the promissory note for the student loan. Yikes! I hope I can find a job so I can actually pay it back. Seems so far away and so difficult to get to, a paying position somewhere... I have to keep myself on target and finish my work, and eventually when I'm on the market I'll have a fighting chance.

Sophie has a fever. Poor kid is all droopy and red as a tomato. She'll be staying home with me tomorrow.

Man it's weird that it's only 6. It feels much later.

Cancellations and Difficulties

I can't find a bilingual story time after all. It seems they're all cancelled. It's a good thing I called. There's one in half moon bay at 9:30 on Saturday, if it's still taking place. I wrote to the person running it. Getting there will be a challenge but I think I could do it.

Now what? Dare I make up the event? I think not.

Pretending to Visit

I don't quite know what to think about literary agents who don't have an online presence. It seems cocky to me, like they're not hurting for business and so they don't have to solicit anything. I'm kind of thinking I would like to work with someone who isn't from a huge agency and can be more personal. But then I'd like to work with anyone who can sell my stuff, really. Can't afford to be picky.

I'm dicking around waiting for 5:00 to roll around so I can go to the Spanish-speaking library to interview the librarian who does bilingual storytime. I hope it's not cancelled like the last one I went to. I don't know what I'll do if that's the case. I will have to make it up, a faux visit to a library. How impressed I'll be with the programming!

The neighbors are banging on the walls. Putting up pictures perhaps? Something ambitious.

What Will Happen!

I think I might be getting the dreaded Disease. I feel it coming on. Or maybe it's just that I didn't sleep well and then exercised vigorously? Let's hope so. Sophie is home today with some kind of ick in her throat and a cough and general malaise.

I only have three weeks of my internship left. After that I am more available to work somewhere. Big changes are afoot. This will be my final registration for classes. A graduate! Another master's degree! How many can I get?

When I retire, in forty years or so, I'll go back and get my MFA in writing.

Busting Out

I like to be in a protected bubble of quiet when I'm at the Y, so I'm always alarmed when the 60-something men speak to me. One of them commented today on the Unitarian t-shirt I was wearing and I was afraid he'd ask "What do Unitarians believe?" which is always the question (and there is no answer) but luckily he dropped it immediately and I was able to go to the machine instead.

Maybe I'll go to the coffee shop now? I'm hungry.

Getting Out

Good morning. I get to go to BM coffee this morning because my group is cancelled! Yay. I'm looking forward to just sitting. Maybe the sun will come out and we can bask for a bit.

I sent out a query yesterday to an agent for my memoir book. I'm really hopeful that they'll ask for the excerpt. You just never know, do you. My query letter was written well, I do believe. I compared myself favorably to the Year of Mag. Thinking. Ha! This afternoon I'll prepare some more packets and send them out.

Today I'm going to bilingual story time at one of the branch libraries. I hope to arrive early and talk to the librarian about her strategies for running the thing. I need to write a paper on it this weekend.

Internship

At my internship this morning I started out filling the displays as usual. I noticed my boss and the director looking around at the collection talking about what was "circing" and what wasn't. It's always interesting getting a glimpse into my boss' working life. I went upstairs afterwards to get started looking up Dewey numbers laboriously in WorldCat, but the computer I normally use was discombobulated, its pieces lying around horribly. So I stopped by my boss' desk. She told me that the entire library is shutting down for the month of December, and how did I want to deal with those extra hours I wouldn't be working? Wow, I said, the entire month of December?! Yes, she said, we're doing a lot of construction and the HVAC system will be out so we can't have the public in.

So I'm also trying to call the woman I've been playing phone tag with about marketing to the elderly.

Now I'm home and working on my computer, looking up Dewey numbers and wanting to read all the books I'm finding. They're all interesting.

Today

I managed to make it to the Y to do the elliptical for a mere 18 minutes before I had to get home for a shower. But it's been days, so anything I do is commendable, I do believe.

After yesterday's running around I think today will be pretty mellow. I have to run a couple of errands after my internship but nothing like the wall-to-wall marathon I did yesterday.

I passed a house for rent yesterday right by the high school. I need to go get the number off the sign.

Doubtful About It

Whew, the crackpot libertarian running for school board didn't win! Yay.

The coffee tastes better than usual this morning. I'm sort of feeling... okay. Not so anxious for once. Yesterday I was talking with pdoc and expressing my doubts about sending out my book to agents and he was all, wouldn't you like to get some good feedback? Send it out! You don't have to publish it! So I think I will. Once I get through one more iteration of editing. I've gone over the beginning until I'm blue in the face but the remainder of the book needs a bit of editing to survive.

I have my internship this morning, if Sophie isn't sick today. Time will tell.

Race Away

Shall I drink wine, or take an Ativan? Probably wine is going to make it so I can at least stay awake until ten or so. I find myself racing and going through the day over and over obsessively. It's been kind of intense.

Maybe wine and TV.

Shoulders Around Ears

Wow, this day just hasn't stopped. I showed up at the accountant meeting at 9, just as we'd said, and the woman thought the meeting was at 9:30 so Manny and I sat in the waiting area for quite some time, discussing what was going on. Then the accountant wanted an accounting of everything monetary in our lives, exhaustively. I was so jacked up for the meeting I had to take out a pen and play with it under the table just to give my hands something to do besides taking hold of her notepad and ripping it dramatically to bits. I'm so damn stressed I can hardly believe it.

So I got into my little rental car and headed to Ep's house and then to lunch at Buc's. It was nice to sit and talk though my mind is quite wandery today. I then went to see pdoc who asked me all the questions about an ADD diagnosis. I came out rather low scoring and he said he thought that I was suffering from extreme stress rather than ADD proper. I agree; I don't think I have ADD, but I do have symptoms. It makes it hard to concentrate and difficult to follow things like conversation.

I picked up my car from the repair place. $700.

Sophie called me from school and she's become ill in the last few hours. I think she has the flu.

My Car, In the Moment

Feeling a bit more equanimity today after yesterday's dustup over the car. I'm more philosophical about it today. It's not my fault, I have a stupid car, etc. It's really remarkable how much that car costs me. And how I can't really get a different car until my student loan comes. And even then... how do I get rid of my old one? And negotiate a new one? I have no idea. I need a buddy who has done it before. I wouldn't mind an old Camry or something.

Today the elephant in my room is the financial meeting I"m going to with Manny and the financial planner. It's up in San Mat and then depending on how long the meeting is I'll head back to Deadwood. It might go until 10 or probably more like 11. Then I'll try to meet Ep for coffee or lunch. At some point I need to reclaim my car from the repair place.

I wonder what the financial woman will say? I'm not optimistic.

Been doing mindfulness exercises every now and then to calm myself. I ate a packet of raspberries "in the moment," and it really helped to quiet my nerves. Of course soon after that I took an Ativan and fell asleep in front of the TV at 8:00, but that's a different story.

Stupid VW

I brought the car in and got a little rental car that isn't costing me that much money. But the car repair is going to be around $600. OMG. It's the ignition coil and it really needs a tuneup, he said. It hasn't been done in a billion years so he's right, and besides I trust him. He's kept my car going for a long time.

I went to my internship and worked on the displays, and then decommissioned the books I pulled last time from the Health and Fitness section. After that I walked over to City Hall to put up a poster, and then came back to list books as "missing" when I had marked them on the list. Eventually they'll be purged from the rolls, says my boss.

I was pretty discombobulated this morning after having to get my car fixed. I don't know when I'll be able to pay for it. 

Eliz had a good time shadowing at the high school. She had the company of a lot of her friends and saw old classmates from her school last year. I think she'll be going there. Yay!

Breakdown!

Damn it, my car just broke down. I managed to limp home with it but I will have to bring it to the repair place and rent a car and blah blah blah. My car is notorious for breaking down. I wish I'd gotten a Honda or Toyota and then I wouldn't be in this trouble. Stupid German car. I truly can't afford this though I do have enough room on the credit card. 

I'm trying to mellow out but I'm sort of freaking.

What Number is High School?

I'm up with the sun because Eliz has her "shadowing" of a high school student today and I have to get her there at 7:30ish. My baby! In high school for the day! Apparently one of her classes will be Spanish for Spanish speakers. I have to remember for her to bring a book to read.

I think it's interesting that of the list of greatest nonfiction books of all time, most of the dewey numbers are either 900s (biography and memoir) or 300s (social sciences). There are of course a smattering of other numbers in there, and I think I'll have something for every section.

Better wake up Eliz, I don't hear any movement up there. It's a big day.

Creative

I went to the most amazing house party just now with Ep. It was the old principal of the girls' school whose house has one courtyard after another, all decorated for the day of the dead with skulls and art in various forms. There were Mexican dancers and continuous music from people playing their guitars and mandolins.

Makes me want to write. To regain my creative self. Where have I been?

Bad Situation

I watched a show about the real estate market right now with a couple whose house was worth about 150k less than their loan, and the upshot was that their only real choice was to let it go into foreclosure. They were understandably quite upset and I was freaking out watching it, because we seem to be in the same situation. I have been doing a bit of research online trying to figure out what happens to my credit rating and life in general if foreclosure occurs, and as far as I can tell it sort of ruins things in terms of buying a new car or another house for about 7 years. I don't know if it affects renting. Probably does, because they do check your credit rating a lot of the time when you rent.

I'm quite apprehensive and I don't know what's going to happen. There's very little chance that the loan mod will lower the cost enough for me to stay in the house and for Manny to move out to another place.

We'll see a financial person on Tuesday, as I mentioned. I wonder more and more if it might be that foreclosure is actually the path we're on. And maybe it won't be the end of the world.

How To Love It

When December comes and my internship is over I"m going to register as a library temp in Fremont. I didn't know it was possible but I found a site. Maybe I can find something that way. Otherwise the listings are quite scant and require five years administrative experience or so. How frustrating! I'm not quite on the job market yet but wow, it's not going to be that straightforward I'm afraid.

Today after church during coffee hour I met a visitor, a woman who is doing chaplain work at the local hospital. She asked "Do you love what you do?" and I said yes, working in a library is what I love, and she said, "So something will come to you."

I'm not sure it's that automatic, but certainly I'm going to try. And really what I love is being home and writing, but I do have an allegiance to library work as well, now that I've had a taste of it.

Perhaps if I sent out my work? Then it might open up the universe toward giving me money for doing what I love. How to be brave?

All Consuming

It was kind of an amazing service, for the Day of the Dead. I almost cried at many points. The music was remarkable.

I was thinking about how mental illness tends to consume my whole demeanor rather than being something I can put aside. My world is colored by moods that come and go. I think all the therapy I've had has helped me to be able to stand back from it every now and then and to say, this too shall pass. I don't know if people who don't have a diagnosis understand how it is all-inclusive, the state of mind of being bipolar. It's so nice when it's in remission.

Home now, making mac and cheese, and considering the afternoon.

An Exercise in Futility

There are two positions in Palo Alto I could apply for, a library page position and a clerical data entry position, but I'm having second thoughts. It's kind of a long drive to get there and once there I'd be making very little money. I have a balance in my life and I'm not sure it is worth disrupting things like the carpool and my internship just for the sake of a couple hundred dollars a month, though of course that money would come in handy. Should I apply? I don't know.

I've been looking on job sites for the last hour or so and truly there's so little to apply for I don't know what to think. Times are so hard. Nothing's happening. I guess I'm glad to be in school right now because there's not even anything to apply for.

Falling Back

What a night! Two halloween parties and a long trick-or-treating in between, exhausting! Actually it was three parties if you count the one I picked up Eliz from at 10:30. By then I was simply not sociable any more. All I could think of to say to the hostess was, where is Eliz? Wearing my deep purple velvet cape. I think all of Deadwood was aparty.

Now I'm up again and in a quiet house. I have the girls today because Manny is doing something in Oakland, a "guitar thing" as he described it. Possibly he's playing with the hippie? Anyway it's nice to have them all day. Though I'll leave them for a while to go to a party this afternoon. A Day of the Dead party. What to wear!

I think 5th and 6th grades are the perfect age for trick-or-treating.

Logistically Speaking

I"ve been thwarted at every turn today but I'm fixing things anyway, so it's all right. I went to storytime en espanol at the Deadwood library, only to find that it's been cancelled for good. I'll have to find one to go to next week, possibly on Thursday night.

Then I decided to print out the material from this week's courses and found that my printers both decided to crap out on me. I fixed them, though, and now I'm ready to go. I've plugged each of them into a separate computer and they aren't confused any more. But now it's halfway through the afternoon and I haven't started any of my work as I'd planned. Where did the afternoon go?

The plans for tonight are complicated but they'll work.