Ms. Jane's Manual of Style

Stupid Rain!

Seriously, when it rains for the 58962nd day in a row, you begin to suspect it's personal. Like, the weather, or global warming, or whatever is out to get you. For real.

For the past several weeks I've been having a really hard time focusing at work. I'm doing fun stuff too. My emotions range from ennui to irritability. I also don't really want to go out very much, which may be because of the rain more than anything else. All I want to do is lie in bed with the Cookie Puss and watch tivo. I took a depression quiz and scored pretty high, but kind of suspect that sleeping and watching tivo with Cookie Puss *is* what I want to do under normal circumstances.

Next week I'm off to NC for four fun filled days at Club Selena (aka my mommy's house). That should shake things up for me. Maybe the sun will shine. We've already planned to attend several exercise classes, have one day set aside for making cards, and a fancy sea food dinner.

I know that I can't help but be happy at Mom's.

I'm also seeing my GP on Friday to get a referral to a headshrinker so I can get my meds checked out.

World's Biggest Crybaby Award

Goes to me! And after you read this post, you'll know why!

I can't believe how fucked up I am about Jo Spanglemonkey's situation. To have my best friend living smack in the middle of a Greek tragedy, what with her marital troubles, horribly ill parents, and mental issues has been totally fucking with me.

It's compounded by not being able to contact her whenever I want to, since she's often in therapy, in hospital, or out of town Dealing With Her Shit. And dealing admirably too, I might add. I'm not surprised at all by how well she's been weathering this storm, because my homie is a rock, she's ironweed.

Me though, not so much. I want to be constantly by her side or on the phone with her. I need to comfort her, whether she wants it or not! It's driving me right up the wall that I'm so completely impotent right now. There is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation to fix it and it's driving me bananas.

This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

I also really miss my friend. She's been swept away into this never ending sea of shit and I want her back. I know it will happen some day. Some day we'll look back on this like we look back on my motorcycle accident, shake our heads and say "Dude. That totally sucked, huh?" I still get moments of that with her. Sometimes I can catch her on the phone and we laugh and laugh. We'll get more of it soon. I know.

It just really sucks right now. I make myself sick whining about how upset *I* am about my friend's situation, but there you go. I'm small and self-centered.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Man, for the past two days I felt completely unloved and a total failure. Woke up this morning and -bang- everything's just peachy! Go figure.

I think much of it has to do with the new streaming audio station I discovered, radio io disco! You can find it from your windows media player radio tuner, just enter radioio in the "search keyword" field. I've had an aerobic morning listening to awesome tunes like "Car Wash" and "In the Navy". Brings me right back to the early 90's when Tiny E and I used to shake our fannies with wild abandon while cranking the albums on our stereo.

Once we had the Hippies over for dinner and we were playing KC & The Sunshine Band's greatest hits. Tiny E and I were doing some major chair dancing and encouraging the Hippies do just let go and enjoy themselves - promised we wouldn't tell anyone! But they turned their noses up to the thumpin' grooves. I still think they were faking it. Who doesn't want to shimmy like a crazy monkey to hits such as "Boogie Man" and "Shake Shake Shake"?

I'm tempted to bring my beloved Jo Spanglemonkey over to my house for some intensive Disco Therapy, then send her home with the most awesome mix CD ever to play 24/7 when she's feeling down. I'm telling you, a good hit of Earth, Wind, & Fire, followed by some bumpin' Parliament, and a chaser of Eddie Kendricks could cure cancer!

Depression?

I think I'm getting depressed again. I have no energy, I'm not really excited by anything - really apathetic, in fact, no appetite, and I just don't feel like doing anything. On Saturday i couldn't even deal with getting out of bed until it was time to go out to dinner. I just watched Tivo for eight hours straight.

I haven't gone food shopping in over a month. Making phone calls at work is a Herculean effort.

Maybe I'm anemic again? Maybe I'm just too freakin' busy at work? I don't have the hopelessness I associate with depression. I just am... Apathetic.

On a happier note, I really dig my team at work. Yesterday my manager and I had a meeting where we spoke to each other in fake Russian accents the entire time. He always tells us that we are not special snowflakes, which I always contradict, announcing "I'm a special snowflake!" Now a couple of teammates call me Ms. Snowflake. Cute!

I've really enjoyed working so much more since I got this gig. I'm learning so much. Yesterday I futzed around on Photoshop all day and learned all these new things. Next I'm going to learn how to do all this stuff on Dreamweaver. Yay!

Forging a New Personality

My new job is forcing me to learn how to do lots of things that I would normally avoid like the plague. Like, I have to make all kinds of phone calls to strangers all the time and communicate what I want from them concisely. Anyone who knows me knows that, verbally speaking, I am not concise. I ramble. I digress. I say "...ummmmm..." a whole lot.

I've made enough phone calls now that I'm getting kind of good at that, which I never thought would happen. Ever. The cool part is that when I'm talking with friends I'm not at all concise. Phew. Personality intact.

I've been thinking a lot about self and personality since Jo took off for Kamp Krazy and also since Koan Bremmer is going to get her sexual reassignment surgery within weeks. Not that the two are related in any way, I hasten to add. Just with finding out that Jo's bipolar and wondering how she's going to change once her meds get straight.

I've always been able to recognize Jo - even when she was at her worst. I know that her essence remains the same and the things that will change will be things that don't have much to do with our friendship or who she is as a person. It will be on a more personal level, with her just being able to better Deal with life and all the weird shit it involves.

With Koan it's not a mental change. Like, her outside will be changed so that it matches who she is inside. Or is that far too a simplistic view? Probably. The things I wonder are things I would probably know if I knew her IRL. Like, she's a woman, but what kind? Like, is she a serious, no-nonsense kind of woman (which I kind of doubt), or is she a frivolous, fun, girly girl? Will she ever get to experience squealing with a clump of other girls? That squealing that makes jr. high bearable, that bonds, that's so quintessentially GIRL.

I wonder about that mainly because I'm still a girly girl that squeals at least weekly. A regular piglet I am.

Last week I noticed that the wrinkles under my eyes are more pronounced. It happen overnight - really! I worry that my girlishness will make me look foolish as I age. When will Tiny E's and my gales of giggles turn to cackling? Has it happened already? What about how I dress? Am I already mutton dressed as lamb?

Stupid new decade angst. I'll be 40 in a couple of months. Why does this random number make me look for gray hair (still none) and suddenly notice that my cleavage is wrinkled and my neck is starting to do that thing that older women's necks do? Was it already like that and I just noticed it, or is it really happening that fast?

Then there's the whole deal of just not having that many role models existing in popular culture. How many women who don't have kids and are unmarried are in the public eye? How many of them can I identify with at all?

In movies we're always these career driven uptight basketcases who end up married and pregnant - at last fulfilled! I'm not career driven. I like my career and enjoy the money and am proud of my title, but I don't think about it much once I leave the office. I don't want children at all. I'm ambivalent about marriage. I mean, with marriage, what's in it for me? I make my own money, I own my own property, if I got married I'd have to share all that *and* most likely have to clean up my house a lot more.

I approach middle age with ambivalence.

Grrrrr.

All last night Cookie Puss kept waking me up. First she'd want under the covers, then she'd wake up and be all "OMG, I'M UNDER THE COVERS!!!" and start nosing frantically around trying to find her way out. Sometimes I don't know if I want her baked, boiled, or fried.

Got to work and felt just awful. I can't seem to shake this flu. I took some DayQuil and it's made me an angry, cranky woman. During the safety meeting at lunch I was in full snark mode, cowing the guys on my team until they trembled as though mighty Kali stood before them.

My streaming audio station is playing more and more Boomer crap. I now have a zero tolerance policy for any new Clapton (time to retire dude, your music is really boring now), Santana (learn a new guitar solo!), and any Simon & Garfunkel. It's like there are no station for aging Gen Xers. Why are there no movies, magazines, or radio stations targeted at me? Are unmarried, child-free women pushing 40 that rare of a commodity? Seriously.

I just want to feel healthy again. I'm so bored with feeling sick!

General Hospital

There's a weird part of me that wants to be in the hospital too. When you're in the hospital,  you get this tragic patina and everybody pays attention to you. You get presents and cards and flowers.

At least, that's how it seems from the outside. I've spent some time in the hospital and know that the reality is much lamer. Like, when I was in the hospital I was in a huge amount of pain and was really confused (on account of busting my head in a motorcycle accident).

So, I know from bitter experience that when you're actually in the hospital, you're usually too fucked up to notice all the extra attention you get to really appreciate it. Plus, recovering is stultifyingly boring.

But I still want attention and presents.

Crashing & Burning

You see stars crash and burn all the time. Usually they get addicted to drugs, make poor relationship decisions and even worse fashion choices, get in car accidents, and have scrapes with the law. Willie Aames is an excellent example. Now he's found god and plays Bibleman, an action figure for religious channels. Better than fiction, folks.

It's totally different when your best friend does it. It happens so slowly that you don't even really notice it. She keeps telling you she feels crazy, but you just think she's having a bad day or is being dramatic. Then one day you come home and there's a message from her husband saying that she's been hospitalized and could you please be on call? Yikes.

I've been talking to her lots. Went to go see her on Sunday. She was kind of doped up. Last time I saw her like that was at a bongathon in the tenth grade. Not all the way there, but still totally her.

Ever since she went in, I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something really important. I check my purse and make sure I have my keys, wallet, sunglasses, notebook, but I know that there is something crucial missing.

I want to be in there with her. She needs me. I need her.

Pity Party - And You're Invited!

I woke up on the weepy side of the bed this morning. I spent much of my three day weekend alone because Himself is in Hawaii for some big football event, and spending a lot of time alone is never a good idea for me. I tend to start thinking about everything and it all begins to do a downward slide. As of bedtime Sunday night:

• I am a failure (kicked off because I can't get my dsl to work with the new router I got, nor have I ever been able to my VPN work)
• I am getting old and ugly (for some reason, my skin has been super dry lately and it's looking lusterless and wrinkled, plus my cleavage, when pushed up, looks wrinkled! ACK!)
• I am going to die old and alone
• I am fat (not really, but I feel like I am)
• My friends don't really like me - they hang out with me because they feel obligated
• Himself doesn't love me - he's only in it for the sex - that's why he won't marry me

Anyway, I'm also feeling brutally overwhelmed by work because they still haven't found a replacement for me on my old job, so I'm doing two jobs right now, both of which are pretty demanding. Plus, I've started dealing with my wrist/elbow issues and for the next three weeks am going to have three dr's appointments a week. So all I'm going to do is go to work, go to the doctor, and go to sleep.

Is this what it's like to be a grownup?

I was in a meeting this morning where one guy was supposed to give an update and droned on for, I'm serious, an hour. I and was supposed to take notes. Why they insist on having me do it instead of an admin is beyond me.

I was near tears by the time I left the meeting. Called up Himself and just cried and cried. Then I went out for lunch with Tomtom and ate really greasy chinese food and now am feeling drained and mindless. Which is an improvement, to be sure.

Ugh, lsiten to me. Pathetic. I should just call 1-800- WAAAAAAAAH!

Can I Smash the Patricarch without Screwing Up My Manicure?

Went to Sophie's bday party yesterday and ended up having a totally bitchin' time! They had a bounce house - and I haven't been in one of those since I was eight! What a great workout. Spent some quality time with Squid going over the plans for the house she's getting built on her property. The plans were full on house porn; all the bathrooms on the floor with the bedrooms had two sinks, and by the kitchen is a HUGE PANTRY (heavy breathing). It got me all hopped up to start remodeling my house again. Of course, that could have been the non-drowsy sinus meds and the three diet pepsis talking.

In the morning I'd been a superwoman and got three major errands run before going to the party, not the least of which was getting my eyebrows waxed. Ouch ouch ouch ouch!!! Walking home from the salon, I started reflecting about how by waxing my eyebrows that it was probable that I was buying into the very white homophobic bullshit patriarchy that I'm trying to smash.

But I really do feel better about myself when I have a good haircut, clear skin, and two nicely groomed eyebrows. Isn't it better to feel good about yourself? But it's the patriarchy that conditioned me to feel better about myself because I look good, and they've done such a good job of conditioning me that I now actually think of getting groomed as something that "I'm doing for ME"! Brilliant!

And I'm also thinking about getting some light therapy to get rid of the broken capillaries on my face and spider veins on my legs as a special observance for my 40th birthday. Do you see how twisted this is? I'm celebrating getting older by paying big money for painful procedures to look younger!

So, I could not do it, and pat myself on the back for buying into the whole youth worship of our culture, but I'm still going to feel like every time I look at my spider veins...

Somewhere, there is a roomful of marketing guys laughing their collective ass off because of my quandary.