Spanglemonkey

And the Rivers Run Backwards

What? How is this possible? My long paper with the math got a 100%! I got an A- in the class! OMG! I am truly flabbergasted. And pleased!

OMG! An A- in my database class!

Her Purple Head

So far all I am is wired without the Ativan. Hope it stays that way, because this is something I can deal with.

Looks like what Eliz wants to do for her birthday is to bleach her hair and to go see Prince Caspian. She definitely has the hair dye bug. So early in life! This time she'll make it purple. It's probably about time because her hair has turned a sort of muggy brown/green/yellow color. I don't think she knows that it will wash out if she sets foot in a pool. I should tell her.

I"m playing scrabble online with Keith, who is kicking my ass soundly.

Jonesing

Since I've decided to quit Ativan within the next two weeks, and since I've already gone this long without taking any medication at all today since I woke up late, I've decided to see what happens if I don't take just the Ativan this morning. I'm tired of being addicted to something that possibly makes me something of a zombie, so I just have to go through the withdrawal. It makes me crawly and jonesy to miss the Ativan, this i know, but I'm going to just do it. And yes, pdoc sanctioned it.

Should make for some obsessive clock-watching until noon when I can have my next one. I'm only quitting the first thing in the morning one.

I'm waiting for Eliz to call and tell me what's up during the day, because it's her birthday and she said she wanted me along for whatever was happening. I told her she has to invite me because otherwise I won't know what's going on. Will she remember? Does she grok the politics of the situation? I suppose I'll call in a little while and invite myself along instead.

I wonder if it'll be as hot today? It got up to the hundreds yesterday.

Time to work a bit more on the bp diaries. Much work to be done there.

Copacetic

Sitting in the cool breeze under the stars and the full moon, listening to my friends on stage crooning away. Nice. I knew half the people there, from church, and we were all struggling to get the attention of the one waiter.

Sometimes things just come together so that they're right.

All 588 Pages, At This Point

Drove up to Reena's house to eat olives and contemplate the week. She's in court on Monday so things are kind of intense for her. She said very complimentary things about my bipolar diary, which I must have given her at some point in the last years. Compared it to Doris Lessing, which is quite nice, particularly the part where I was in the hospital. She agreed that I had cut too much the last time.

Maybe I can get a lot of it done these two weeks, or possibly over the summer if I have any more free time outside of class and work.

I've been asked out on a date. Shall I go?

Heat

Walking around in my house makes me hot, but if I don't move much it's not so bad. My car thermometer said it was 102 out there, my god! I keep drinking lots of water and it seems to work pretty well because I'm not overwhelmed with tiredness or anything.

I have a dinner date with a woman from church and we're sitting out on a patio listening to music. Hope it's a cool grot and not baking asphalt or something.

Time to put together the second fan. Requires tools.

VIOLIN

I'm playing scrabble online with 29 vowels and 1 consonant, and it's a V. I can spell Voaiuo if I want to.

I wonder what I have to offer in the way of violinning today? I feel as though I"m too much of a slacker this week to amount to much. Every day I practiced, but not with my whole heart. it's like exercise in that you don't want to go and then it's all right once you start.

Having hot flashes on a day like this just doesn't seem fair.

Setting Foot Outside

I walked through the heated-up world over to the Y, so that I could sweat like a pig on the machine. I find that the first 9 minutes are really hard, and then after that things sort of lighten up.

Trying to divide the diary I"m working on into chapters, and being sort of random about it. I need to think about it harder and I"m just not. My mind's not on it.

Have to go over to safeway for my prescriptions, so I might as well shower and get on with it. I still have something to do for school, a final peer review with my group that I just volunteered to helm. Might as well. Nothing else going on today. Having a bit of trouble getting out of the house, despite all the medication rolling around in my stomach. That's the secret they don't tell you: medication doesn't really work, not completely. It helps but you're still pretty much the same, with side-effects.

I'm wondering what would happen if I went off Abilify. Not that I'll ever know, because I'll keep taking it so long as pdoc wants me to.

Worky Workity Work

Editing the bipolar diary. I"m keeping in the naive questioning because it was fresh at the time. Now I"m much more jaded about my diagnosis, of course, having been through so much and being convinced by now that it's true. But I'm trying to keep in a mixture of my confusion at being mentally ill with the cause of the stress, Manny's discontent with our marriage. Without putting in too much of him, actually.

Shall I put chapters in? I suppose I should.

Peep

I cheated and turned on the air conditioning before I went to bed. OMG it was so hot! I know it's like paying $10 a minute for cold air but wow, it was great. I set it so that it was just this side of cool. This morning it reset itself to be pretty cold so I'm sitting here in my pajamas nicely cold. Maybe I won't need it tonight, who knows.

This morning I have nothing to do until my violin lesson, so I guess I"ll work on the bipolar diary. I can wander over to the Y later on and work out on the elliptical. I wonder how I'll fit in working out when my job starts? Difficult joining the working world, for sure. But I'm very excited about it.

Milton and I are watching the little peepy birds on the porch. They're discussing the birdseed and making quite a mess for the squirrels to clean up later.

Shall I try to send out some queries for Ada? Remember Ada?

Exposing Them to Nuclear Families

I made some rather lame attempts at trying to grade other groups' reports, which is the last thing I have to do with my group, and then I looked and someone did it really thoroughly already, so whoosh! Off the hook.

Eliz is over at Jules' house and I assume she's eating dinner, because she hasn't come back. I wish she'd call instead. It's good for her to be exposed to nuclear families, I suppose, though I think it's overrated. Part of me feels like I'm failing the kids by not providing a family dinner every now and then, though. Conflicted emotions there. Not like I have a choice in the matter anyway.

I suppose I could redouble my efforts at online dating, though everyone seems like a total loser when I read their profiles. What I need is a good woman to see me through. Yay gay marriage!

Misplaced Pride

According to the readout on my car, it's now 101 degrees. In May! I'm so shocked and horrified. I have an aversion to summer because of my five long years spent in 105 degrees every day in Rivercide with a smog factor besides. This is just a brief abhorrent period of heat but still, not good.

Sophie and I went to the store to buy random things off the shelves. I'm in an expensive mood and should not be allowed anywhere near any kind of store.

I was reading all these people debating whether or not to come out bipolar at work. Like they're proud of it or something, as if they were gay or lesbian. Bipolar is a disease! Why would you want to tell everyone you have a disease? Especially when they might treat you differently because of it. I say treat it like you would ovarian cysts or something. No one needs to know.

I'm not proud of being bipolar/borderline/with an anxiety disorder. In fact I'd like to not be.

Head Injuries

Heard from the internship guy, and we're a go for June 16! I'm nervous but also excited about the whole thing. I'll work three mornings a week and then I can do schoolwork or go to coffee with the bad moms for the other two days. I'll certainly be busy. I wonder what they'll have me doing? Probably hanging out at the reference desk. And cataloging things. I'm psyched.

Remembering, for some reason, the time I was in sunday school as a kid and we were playing by these giant holes in the ground where houses were going to be built and I dared a boy across the hole to throw a rock at me and whiz! He threw it and it hit my head and I went down like a sack of potatoes. I came to and everyone was anxiously above me in a ring. I tried to tell my parents and they didn't really understand that I'd been out COLD. And of course it was the 70s so the teacher didn't tell anyone and didn't have to, heck! We got knocked out by rocks every day! It was the style at the time!

And then there was the time I was skiing and, in order to avoid people on the trail in front of me, I skiied right into a telephone pole and knocked myself out. Again I woke up with the circle of people above me but again, it was the 70s, so no harm no foul. They did send out the ski patrol but by then I'd walked to the patrol hut on my own.

Oh! And then there was the time when I was on a runaway horse at boarding school, and there were these people on campus for the accreditation committee, and I came pelting by with my jacket flying behind me (it was a trenchcoat, me being a punk rocker and all) and then got scraped off by the lake and wham! Hit my head on the hard hard ground. Tweetie birds rose up in a circle around my vision.

So there you have it. A record of the times when I've sustained head injuries. Which one caused the bipolar disorder? Probably the sunday school one.

I Prefer the Cold

Back from my walk in the park. It was hot! And before 9:30 even. There were many women with children, no doubt because we'll all be shut in by the end of the day. I hate it when it gets really hot. I feel so claustrophobic. If it's really cold at least you can layer on clothing.

Time to shower and go to bad mom coffee.

Ruthless

I still have a wispy sense of my dreams last night, just the tail end of it where we were striving hard to do something or other with groups of children. JennyAlice was there, and Ep. And you were there, of course.

I got an email from a subliminal psychology company who wants to advertise on my space. I have to say no because I have no idea how to put up the ad! I tried with the last people who wanted to advertise. I was all ready to sell out, but no, I couldn't do it. Some webmaster, eh?

Those piggy birds are eating their seed up really fast. I'm hoping one of them figures out how to build a nest right there on the porch. That would be awesome.

So last night I watched an Iranian movie about a blind boy and it was so sad. Key characters would just sort of smile happily up into a light and wham, you were at their funeral. It's interesting, though, reading all these books about Iran and Afghanistan right now. I'm doing a mini-unit on my own. If you look up on the right side I list a couple of them.

Today when I work on the bipolar diary I need to be more ruthless. It's 588 pages long and needs to be at least half that, so no more simple reading of it. Must cut!

I also have one thing left to do for school.

My Baby Turns 12

Hey, so my grade for my database class right now is a C+, without any points from my paper. So even if I just get 25 out of 75 or something I"ll get a B! Woot fucking woot!

Wonder what Eliz will do for her birthday on Saturday? I'm invited even though it's not my week. Maybe i'll suggest a movie or something. I can't believe she'll be 12.

Memory Lane

The girls are wild and giggly tonight. Gee, too bad Manny gets them later... Dare I say that?

I was going to go to a DBSA meeting but I can't face the drive and then the awkwardness. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie.

It's over eighty degrees inside the house right now, and that's downstairs. Tomorrow is apparently going to be even hotter. I'm flabbergasted by this.

Spent the early afternoon reading about the throes of my year when my mother died. It was totally engrossing for me, I must say, much like working your way through a box of old photos.

Goo, and Stuffiness

Listening to Kreisler. It's such fun music. I want to learn to play it well and then play it for the church. Do I have the courage? I don't know.

Made peanut butter burritos for the girls so they will have a snack before their respective activities. I'm hoping I get some good quality time in Peet's coffee with my book this afternoon, instead of talking to the therapist. Maybe I'll go get some tea at the fancy grocery store.

It's getting stuffy in here and I know outside it's starting to heat up. Tomorrow it's supposed to be over 100. Like Rivercide. In May, OMG, what does it mean for the summer? Hope it's not a precedent. Though my house seems to stay rather cool, at least downstairs.

Writer, Going Nuts On Paper

Waiting for the crazy camp diary to come over to this machine via email, and it's taking a while. Did I get the address wrong? Someone will get a huge file about being mentally ill when your mother is dying.

I've made a huge pile of paper from my classes that I'm going to recycle using a few different bags. It's amazing how much reading there was and I actually did most of it.

Actually, looking at the bipolar diary (I called it "Born Without Brakes" back then) I'm not sure I am up for reliving all the stuff about Manny. Maybe it would be good for me? I'm just now coming out of that particular trauma.

Black

All sweaty from my trip to the Y. How virtuous I am!

Ugh, Manny's father sent a picture of all of the family in a restaurant and I look like a hulking beast in my dress with my slouch. Not a way to make my day, I am telling you now. At least I just got back from working out so I can think I'm doing something about it. Oy vey.

I was pretty bummed in that restaurant. I got seated next to people I don't know and I felt shy and said nothing, and just thought about how I didn't belong next to Manny any more and how awkward that was. How I wish I were part of a couple with all of its problems and issues and pleasures besides.

Next time I'll wear all black and be more like Morticia. Eliz's birthday is on Saturday and they're coming up for it, which is really nice of them, and I suppose pictures will be taken so I will wear black.

Expensive Proposition

I ordered all my textbooks for my reference class and OMG, used, they totaled $175. I didn't buy any of them new or it would have been $80 a piece. Dang! All for one class! What is this world coming to!

It'll be interesting learning about reference from a class and then working a reference desk at the same time. I think it'll be a really good experience. I'm excited about it. At least I am today, when things seem possible and my confidence is high.

I need to pay bills, and then walk over to the Y.

Dust Settling, and Dusting

It's the day after my class had everything due, and I'm sort of excited about the morning, because I can do whatever I want to. I need to return to my writing projects and see if I can send out some queries as well as editing down the bipolar diary. I have a mere two weeks free to do it all in but I'm sort of happy to be back to it, even if it is just for a while. And who knows, maybe I'll have more time for it during the summer with only one class to contend with. I love a big project of my own making.

I start work in about a month, too. I need to write to the guy who will be my boss and tell him my start date. I'm trying to overcome my feelings of self-doubt and just try it, just to see what I can do. Making mistakes and everything.

Another thing I need to do is to clean the house in preparation for Eliz's birthday party. It needs a lot of work that I haven't been doing in these last weeks while I was so intense about school.

So this morning I'll spend a little time finding the bipolar diary on the computer (I'll have to transfer it over from the other computer I think) and some quality time throwing articles away (yay!) and then I'll wander over to the Y to do some elliptical work. I have nothing going on until I pick up the girls at 2:50 and Sophie goes over to Merlin's for her weekly playdate and Eliz and I go up to San Mat for our appointment.

I can't believe all that work is over! Amazing.

Clear Air

Well, I did it, I turned in my paper and I'm completely done with my database class. Just waiting for the results to come in. I don't think I did all that well but I'm willing to be surprised! I was on the first assignment when I got a 100%. The C on the midterm paper seems more like what I should get based on my knowledge. We'll see.

The girls should be over soon, since Manny has a meeting tonight. They'll be all tuckered out from their trip and full of stories about the last couple of days. I wonder if they managed to get out of the hotel? To see the strip a bit? I don't think children really belong in Vega$ at all, but I'm told there are things to do if you get outside the small resort where we were.

Feeling a sense of relief about Doc A. We had a pretty good talk though I was kind of shut down for a lot of it. I felt like we cleared the air somewhat, though. I was very pleased that it mattered to him whether I was angry or not, and whether I cried.

Time to go look at my new class and order the books. It starts in a few weeks. Hope it's a good class this time around. It's all about reference services.

How it Went

My appointment went pretty well. He was very serious about wanting to know what I wanted him to do differently, which is something I hadn't considered. To look into my feelings more, I said vaguely. He said he wasn't the kind of therapist who will agree with every emotion from his clients, and warned against my thinking that the situation with him and with other people in my life (especially arrogant men) who tell me what to do was exactly the same.

Because it's true, I have a lot of people who like to tell me what to do. And I have squishy boundaries that mean that it goes straight in and stays there, OMG, I have to follow this advice...

So then I cried and talked about how my life is this balancing act on a narrow road, that I felt like the only thing I really know I'm doing right is to take care of my kids and I don't get to see them any more every week. He said he thought I could figure out how to have a life outside my kids that would sustain me on weeks when they aren't here.

I feel sort of crazy now, like what am I so upset about? And I don't know. He allayed my fears about his being poised to leave me (though i've been poised to leave him, all week) and talked about how we can go forward and explore some of the things that make me feel like I am so different from other people that I am not worthy of having the things other people have, jobs, sig others, etc.

I'll Tell Him

A nice visit with Ep over pancakes at Bucks. She had a medical issue that was quite dramatic so we talked about that, and a little about what I'm going to say to doc alphabet. Mostly I'd like to talk about why I had such a mixture of emotions over the course of the week. Afraid he's going to leave me and then afraid that I'm going to leave him, and etc etc.

Anyway I'm on my way. Wish me luck.

Today's Shenanigans

I slept like the dead. Yesterday pdoc ominously intoned the list of my medications and paused significantly after "seroquel," which of course is bad for you blood sugar level. "We'll have to talk about this," he said. "Nothing else works?" and then he rattled off a few names of sleep aids that I've tried before and that have all failed. No! Don't take away my seroquel! I sleep 10-12 hours a night without moving a muscle. I love it so.

Last night I must have slept funny on my pillow, though, because I have a pinched nerve in my neck. It might go away if I don't do anything to it. No moving.

The girls and Manny come home today. Also I have my Doc A appointment which I'm totally dreading. But I need to get there and be as honest as possible, which means being angry for what he has done and staying that way even when he starts to talk about it. I'm scared but it's necessary.

Today's the day I turn in my horrible long paper and my final exam, and then I'm done with my database class forever! Ever! Ever! Ever.

Thinking about putting up curtains in the girls' room before summer really hits. Their room is so bright in the morning the shades might as well not exist.

Disturbing

In a few minutes I"ll go over to Kathe's house for the meeting tonight. I'm reading an email from doc a and crying a little, for no good reason except that I feel so bad about feeling bad about him, if that makes any sense. He has supported me for a long time and now I'm feeling as though I've gone somewhere else and I can't put up with his shit any more. But how do I call him on it? Do I really need to? Can I stay with him? Will he be able to help me any more after this incident?

Watched a BG episode where they were summarily executing people for collaboration. It was dark, as usual. Everyone freaking out.

Twitter is fun, but for me it's very much like blogging. I blog everything all the time anyway. But now I can follow my friends somewhere else, so that's cool.

What a long afternoon it's been. I need to find stuff to do. My big editing job should keep me busy. Maybe call up the guy at the library and start early?

I Am A Pain

I have to remember that Doc Alphabet keeps telling me that I'm a pain in the ass. Maybe he says "neck" but I think it was "ass." I need to either reset his filter or get out of there. I'm trying to amass reasons why so that I can talk to him tomorrow about it.

I walked to starbucks, sat and read my book for a while in the blustery wind, and then walked back. When I passed the taqueria I just had to stop in and get my favorite chicken super burrito for dinner. I'm being bad and not eating the food I have at home but hey, I was out already, and I also figure I didn't do any gambling while in Vega$ so the money in my handbag that I brought for that purpose is free money.

It's a good book. I think I'll go read it some more.

Going to Bucks

I have nothing more to do on my paper or on my final exam. I could have stayed an extra day! Who knew. But anyway I haven't turned them in yet. Tomorrow I'll read them through and then turn them in when I'm more sure they are done.

So anyway, what can I do? I think I'll walk over to Starbucks and have a celebratory latte with my FICTION book in hand.

Oh, there's more to go on this school front, but I can do it in the next week instead of right now. Tonight I have a meeting of my church group which should be fun. I like those women a lot. Why did we decide not to meet any more? I can't remember, but it was a decision we made. There are only a few more meetings.

I dislike walking in my neighborhood. I feel scrutinized. Maybe I'll cut through the Y parking lot and miss a lot of apartmentland.

How to Tell Her

Back from seeing pdoc, and home to find an email from doc alphabet waiting. He says he hopes we can laugh about this.

Disarming.

Anyway maybe things will be okay. I ate a pastrami and swiss on rye which is one of my favorite things in the world, and now I feel recharged. I will work on my final exam for a while and then maybe walk over to starbucks with my book. I have no children this afternoon so I have nothing to do, unless it's to finish schoolwork.

Over the short three week break I think I'll resurrect the bipolar diary and fix it up so I can send it off to my sister. She wants me to go off my medication just so things are back to "normal." I am not sure how to tell her that I am bipolar, for real, and that the medication is necessary. It of course makes me want to go off everything.

Obsessed

Wrote another email to doc alphabet telling him I'm freaked out about coming to my appointment tomorrow because I don't feel safe about talking about my anger, and I'm afraid he'll be mean about it. Then I asked why he wasn't emailing me back. Maybe he's out of town or something but he might not be, he might just not want to answer.

This thing has me so obsessive. It's good that I went away for the weekend so I didn't think about it for a while.

We've had a relationship for years now and I think I might be at the end of it. Unless this is just me acting out my relationship with Manny, in which case I'm in for bad emotions for a while.

Fire Him?

I think I"ve finished my paper. It's as good as it gets. Twenty one pages with the abstract and the table of contents.

I just got back from the Y, where I went on the elliptical for twenty minutes. It was rough today! All that junk food in Vega$ got the better of me. Now I feel pretty good, though. That's the reward for the hard work of going on a torture device like the elliptical.

Why haven't I heard back from Doc Alphabet? I suppose he's waiting to see me in person. I'm seriously thinking of firing him. I don't like the way he treats me. I don't know how to do it but I'll figure it out.

To the showers!

Trippy

There! Now I slept and I feel a lot more human. Yesterday I was so tired I felt sort of sick. It's always nice in a way to confirm that I need the medication I use to sleep with (seroquel) even if it is probably bad for my body in some elemental way.

I can tell you about my trip; the grandparents picked us up from the airport, and we drove back and unloaded from the car, and then spent an hour or so walking around looking at slot machines. They had it set up so that kids couldn't walk on any carpeted areas but could keep to the outside on the linoleum. But it was a huge area and took a long time to navigate. So too to our hotel room, which was nice but located about five minutes away from the elevator.

Day 1 we went bowling in the morning, after eating at the rather awful buffet. I actually scored a 138 bowling! I'm going pro! In the afternoon we went to the pool, which piped out loud music from all the palm trees. I kept getting into tipping situations and not doing it, which I know was rude but I stubbornly adhered to anyway. The girls got nice and sunburned and I spent a lot of time under a tree on a lounger reading my book. The wait staff ignored me completely so I didn't drink much. They didn't even try! I would have tipped, I promise! It happens to me every time I go to Vega$, I get ignored for the drinks.

Saturday night Manny had arrived and the rest of the family was there too, Manny's stepbrother and sister and stepsister and their sig others and stepchildren and families, and we all piled into a room at the sushi bar. At first it was kind of odd because there were names at each seat, and we were totally randomly mixed up, probably so we would get to know each other, but immediately everyone started mixing themselves up. I ended up and the table full of people I don't know and felt really shy, and then after dinner the girls called me over to their table and I hung out with them instead.

The next day the girls wanted to have breakfast with Manny and me, and so we waited and waited for him to arrive. Sophie gave me some bath salt so I had a nice soak in the tub, which had a flatscreen TV above it (can't be bored in Vega$). Then Manny arrived and we called the grandparents and then stood in line for at least an hour for the very expensive brunch buffet. It was mother's day, d'oh! No discounts!

Then I hauled ass and got to the airport shuttle and all the way to the ticket counter to find that I'd read the itinerary wrong and I was about three hours early. I got onto a different flight, though, and made it home by 6ish, the time when my flight was actually scheduled.

Now I'm hanging out with Milton and we're pretty happy. I'm so glad to have slept, in my bed without a kid in it.

Today I have my final paper and final exam to work on.

Back

I"m back! Did you miss me?

I had a good time, though I forgot to bring my sleeping medication so I'm incredibly sleep-deprived. I think I'll make some dinner and watch some Battlestar Galactica and call it a night as early as possible.

I miss the girls already. It's so weird coming back from a vacation and not having them with me. We hung out at the pool yesterday.

I gambled only two dollars and lost them both immediately. Big money! Woo.